


Stupid Undertale

by FizzyCorrupts, Rainbowleaf



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: A bizarre retelling of the game's plot, Contains harsh language, It's Undertale shitpost time, Well it kinda started as a shitpost but as usual..., first undertale fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 02:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17437826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FizzyCorrupts/pseuds/FizzyCorrupts, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowleaf/pseuds/Rainbowleaf
Summary: Undertale is a story that inspired many. A game filled with emotion, humor, and intriguing plot points.Now what if we go and screw all that up for our shitposting enjoyment?





	Stupid Undertale

A long time ago, humans and monsters walked the Earth together. They shared the same homes, schools, businesses, everything. Everything seemed perfect at first glance.

But then breakfast happened.

“L’eggo my Eggo!” The King declared, wishing for the human before him to release the delicious early morning meal. The human shook their head.

“I apologize, I cannot L’eggo your Eggo.” The human responded. “For I am a hungry boy and I must feed.”

Then war happened. Humans won because they have time-space fuck shit up powers. The monsters had shoes. Those shoes failed them.

“Now get in the hole!” The humans screamed, pointing at a hole.

“Okay, I guess.” The monsters jumped into the hole.

Humans forgot about the monsters. They forgot about the monster hole too.

Until many years later (probably like 3) they came along.

“Hey look, a hole.” This sassy child childed. “I feel a great need to go hole diving.” So they did.

—

“Ey yo fuckface, wake up.”

The child woke up, lifting their head up from the floor. Through their blurry vision they could make out...a flower.

“Yo, finally up you dongus?” The flower asked.

“...” The child stayed silent just in case it would go away.

“Howdy, I’m Flowey the Flower! Welcome to the Underground! Where fashion is kickin’ and the squids are also k- wait, wrong intro.” The flower looked at a script. “Where toothpaste is fresh and friendship is even fresher.”

“...”

“Kid if you don’t talk I’ll have no choice but to take extreme measures.” The flower took out a Kriss Vector SMG. 

“...Is that a gun?“

“Now you see down here we share love through things called friendliness pellets.” He loaded a magazine into the gun. “And no this is not a gun. It’s friendship.”

“But that looks like a g-“

“Alright, catch the friendliness pellets.” The flower peppered the child with bullets. 

“Why?!” The child screamed in bullet pain. “That was so uncalled for! I can’t feel my stomach!”

“Down here, it’s schüt or be shöt.” Flowey loaded in another magazine. “And looks like today...you must be shöt.”

“NooooooOOOOOOO-“ The child screeched.

“Ew, a flower.” A voice uttered, before hellfire rained from the sky and burned the flower alive. A very large goat woman emerged. She was a 9’5 fuck truck with huge- wait, wrong fic. This goat lady was a 9’5 mom truck with a big heart. “Are you okay?” She kneeled in front of the child.

“Who are you?” The child asked.

“My name is Toriel, young one.” She laughed softly.

“It’s very nice to meet you.” They smiled.

“Who might you be?” She asked warmly.

“...I don’t think I have a name actually. I hit my head on a very large rock on the way down here.” The child stated. “I really do need a name though. Can’t be called ‘the child’ forever.”

“I shall call you Child, then.” Toriel giggled.

“Wait, what?” Child asked. “Wait fuck, no!”

“Now Child, let us get you home! So that you may relax and unwind!” Toriel booged.

“Okay.” Child felt dead inside.

Toriel proceeded to lead Child through a challenging gauntlet of puzzles that solved themselves. Eventually she was like “oh fuck I left the oven on,” and ran off. Child was alone.

“Well, time to explore I guess.” They mumbled. They found a bowl of candy. It was empty, save for one candy coated in mold and ants that was stuck to the side. Child decided they didn’t need sweets right now. They continued onwards until they needed to push rocks onto switches. Then they hit a snag.

“Kid, I’m not letting you push me. Who do you think I am?! Pushy McPushington III?! That is my cousin, and do not dare mistake me for him!” The rock rocked.

“Mr. Rock, I implore you. I just want to live.” Child sobbed.

“Oh okay.” The rock moved onto the switch, and Child went on their merry way.

There he was. The ghost. He was wearing headphones. Thankfully, there were no trucks in the vicinity.

“Hello...ghost?” Child tried to get the ghost’s attention. The ghost merely stared at the ceiling, filled with inhuman emotions.

“You ever think about death, kid?” He asked of Child. Child could feel a chill creep up their spine. Their body began to shake.

“S...sometimes?” They were uncomfortable.

“Can you feel your flesh continuously rotting away? Every second your dead cells dropping off in masses that cannot even hope to be counted?” 

“...No. I think if you feel that, you have a serious medical condition.” 

“I may be dead, but I feel it. Every waking moment. It’s misery.” The ghost cried tears for fears.

“I’m no expert, but you should probably go to a ghost doctor or something. Just a suggestion.” Child held out a pamphlet. They are dodging tears for fears. But then the song “Shout” came on and everybody stood there for a moment listening.

“There are no ghost doctors. Only ghost proctors.”

“What’s a proctor?”

“Fuck you, that’s what that is.” The ghost phased through the wall, screeching.

“Ah.” Child nodded.

Child traveled into a small room. A spider web was in the corner. A sign beside it said “give me twenty bucks for a good.”

“I don’t have twenty bucks.” Child said, sad. “Only this crisp one thousand dollar bill.”

“We’ll take it.” The mass of spiders that composed the God of Crawling Fear uttered from the void.

“...Sure.” Child put the bill into the web. It was covered in a thick black saliva and faded into another dimension. “...Do I get anything?”

“Yes.” The spiders said. They then gave Child nothing.

“Okay.” Child left the room, and tripped over a donut. It was covered in spiders, but these ones were dead. One of the spiders woke up and reached their arm out to Child.

“Please, tell my family I love them. The war has gone on too long, too many have died.”

“Oh, sure. I’ll do that.” Child smiled at the spider and gave a thumbs up.

“Thanks. Now listen, my family is-” The spider Thanosed out of existence.

“Well...um...huh.” Child awkwardly brushed the other spiders off the donut and slid it into their pocket. It would probably come in handy later.

“Ey yo fuckface.” A random frog said, holding a revolver. Child raised their arms in distress. 

“Oh uh...hey. Please don’t shoot.” Child begged. They wondered, what would they do? They had no options.

“Give me your shoes.” The frog demanded.

“Huh?! Not my shoes! Um…” Child decided in that moment they had to compliment the frog. “You have a wonderful third eyeball.”

“Oh, thanks.” The frog threw money at Child and hopped off into the distance.

“Phew.” Child sighed and turned around, only to see a buff frog.

“...Ribbit, bitch.”

“I’m not doing this.” Child shook their head and walked away.  
\--

Toriel was waiting in front of her house, smoking from a corn cob pipe and listening to Doggystyle by Snoop Doggy Dogg. Child walked up to the house, breathing heavily and covered in bugs.

“Hello Child, did you get here okay?” Toriel asked, smiling excitedly.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with this place?!” Child screamed. “I got attacked by frogs like...twenty times. They all had guns. There were bugs with guns. Slimes with guns. And then I got attacked by a sentient swarm of bugs named Grimgo who I don’t even think is in this fucking game!”

“Oh I know Grimgo. He’s my ex.” Toriel laughed. “He defends this territory from raiders and pirates seeking lost treasure.”

“...He what now?” Child perked up with intrigue.

“Anyways, did you find the toy knife I left in the side room off of the side room off of the side room.” Toriel stated her question as a statement.

“Yes. It was covered in a viscous slime composed of what appears to be blood of an unknown creature.” Child had placed the toy knife into a sandwich bag, where the slime was viciously screaming and attempting to escape. “I don’t know what it is, as I’ve stated, but I am pretty sure it’s still alive.”

“Good.” Toriel grinned. “Now let me show you to your room.”

“Oh fuck, I get a room? Is there a bed? Please tell me there’s a bed!” Child was tired. So fucking tired.

“Oh there’s a bed. And a toy box. And a dresser. And-”

“Yes, I get it. I only care about the bed though ma’am. I can barely stand right now.”

“Oh, then let us get you to your room ASAP!” Toriel picked up Child in her arms gently and carried them indoors, taking them to their new room and placing them down onto the soft mattress.

“This is so...nice.” Child closed their eyes and smiled as their body sank into the mattress. They felt like they were in heaven.

The next moment, their eyes flew open and the room was dark. They turned their head to the side, noticing what looked like a plate of pie sitting beside the bed. They grinned, pulling the plate up onto the bed and greedily consuming the pastry. It tasted of cinnamon and butterscotch, two flavors that Child adored. Child was taken aback somewhat by Toriel at first, especially with her odd behavior at times, but she seemed rather sweet. Her heart was definitely in the right place.

They climbed off the bed, quietly leaving the room. The house was cozy, not too big but not too small. They walked down the hall over to a small reading room, complete with a fireplace. Toriel was sitting there, reading a book entitled “Snails: Can They Feel You Eating Them?”

“G’morning.” Child greeted the woman excitedly. She looked up from her book and laughed softly.

“Somebody slept well it seems. You were in bed for what seemed like...fourteen hours. I didn’t wake you up though, you’d been through a lot.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it!” They approached Toriel, taking a deep breath. “Now um...can I go home?”

“...Uh...this is your home though.” Sweat dripped down Toriel’s face, adorned with a look of worry. 

“No. I have a family to go home to. You understand, right?” Child stood their ground.

“I um...I will be right back. Don’t follow me.” She sprang up from the chair and seemed to float down a nearby staircase with how fast she moved.

“Nobody tells Child what to do...fuck I just called myself Child.” They pursued her down the stairs, running through a long, dark hallway. At the end, she stood before a door.

“...You’re set on going home, aren’t you?” Toriel asked, a tone of disappointment in her voice.

“Well of course. I have a family. I can’t just abandon them.” Child felt something...sinister in the air. Toriel was silent for a moment.

“In the Underground, everyone will want to kill you for your sole. Every human I’ve let leave this place has died, and sometimes they’ve committed their own atrocities. So if you want to proceed…” She turned to Child, brandishing a huge gatling gun. “You must prove you can handle the world beyond this place!”

“...Ah.” They fumbled to pull the toy knife from the bag of slime and pointed it at Toriel. “I-I’ll use this if I have to.”

“So be it, let the battle commence!” Toriel began firing out bullets from the gun, which in mid-air burst into shrapnel and balls of flame. Child screamed and attempted to dodge their way around the flame, the shrapnel, and the undetonated bullets.

Child was filled with determination. And fear. Don’t forget fear.

“What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.” Child screeched, lunging forward. Their eyes were closed, they were leaping into darkness. Suddenly the sound of gunfire halted. They opened their eyes, the knife was embedded in Toriel’s body.

“Well...at least I know you’ll make it out there.” Toriel laughed weakly, her body beginning to crumble to dust. Child stood there in disbelief, the fine dust coating their body.

“...N-no, fuck. Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!” Child threw the knife to the ground in a panic. They stood there for a moment, they just wanted this to not happen.

Suddenly, Child was back in the heat of battle. Rounds were exploding all around them, they could feel their body moving forward. They were confused, but they weren’t going to question this. They could feel their hands tightly gripping the knife, holding it steady to strike. They wouldn’t let this happen again.

They released their grip on the knife, allowing it to fall to the floor. As they grew closer to Toriel, they extended their arms wide open. In a moment, they wrapped their arms around her, burying their face in her cloak. Toriel paused, halting her assault. 

“I won’t fight you.” Child said, their voice muffled.

“...Y-you won’t?” Toriel had a look of shock on her face. She dropped her weapon, which hit the floor loudly. Tears formed in her eyes as she fell to her knees and embraced Child tightly. “I’m sorry, my child. I...I’ve just lost so many.”

“It’s okay. We all let our emotions get to us sometimes. But you can’t let them cloud your decisions.” They didn’t want to admit they were speaking from experience.

“I can’t keep your family waiting. You can go.” Toriel released Child from her embrace and pushed open the door before them. “Just...stay safe, okay?”

“I will, thank you.” They smiled. They walked through the door, which slowly closed behind them.

They walked forward into a large, empty room. It was almost completely dark, save for a beam of light emerging from the ceiling.

“Howdily ho!” The accursed flower exclaimed, popping up from the soil. He was wearing his shit-eating grin and seemed to be holding the gun from before.

“...You.” Child crossed their arms. “What are you doing here?”

“Just enjoying some sunshine. Some fun. I bet you had some fun earlier when you stabbed that poor lady.”

“...Huh?” Child was caught off guard, their eyes widening. “How do you-”

“Well listen up, kiddo! THEY’RE watching every moment, and I can tap into THEIR little feed. Now listen up, once again, as I tell you the facts. This world ain’t cool. It ain’t funky. It’s THEIRS.”

“...I’m going to ignore you now.” Child sighed, holding up a hand to their face and blocking their view of Flowey as they moved towards the exit.

“Did you feel determined? They always do.” The flower let out a chuckle.

Child suddenly swung around to face the flower, but he was gone.

“...Shitty ass fucking flower. When I get out of this place, I am burning down a fucking garden. Just watch me.”

They continued ranting to themselves angrily as they approached a large source of light bathing the other end of the room. They made their way down a long hallway, snowflakes seeming to blow past them. They weren’t really ready for an adventure. But if they were going to have one, so be it.


End file.
